At my small voice, Seo Jaehoon froze as if he had turned to stone. It didn't take long for him to slowly turn his head, move his stalled body, and return to my side.
Before I could even count to ten in my head, Seo Jaehoon, who had come right next to me, suddenly pulled me into a crushing hug. The face that had turned to leave the hospital room was now soaked in tears. Seo Jaehoon was still weighed down by a heavy sense of guilt, or perhaps self-reproach.
This is why, this is why I didn't want to die. The memory of his face, contorted as if everything was his fault right after the accident, remained vividly etched in a corner of my heart.
I didn't want to remain as a source of guilt for Seo Jaehoon, or Nam Kangwoo, or Mo Taehee.
"Jaehoon-ah."
His damp face touched my neck, rubbing against it sorrowfully. His large body trembled ceaselessly, and he let out sobs as if he couldn't hold them back for a single moment.
I considered reaching my hand behind his back to pat his heaving shoulders, but then I thought I wasn't well enough to comfort him, so I waited for his sobs to subside.
"I... I was wrong."
"..."
"Really... From now on, whatever you tell me to do—"
His voice, wet with tears, was repeatedly cut off by his crying. Only when the long, drawn-out sobs, full of some deep sorrow, began to quiet down was I released from his embrace.
"I'm sorry."
I didn't realize it, but Seo Jaehoon seems to cry a lot. Just like me.
As I quietly faced his tear-streaked face, the random thought that Seo Jaehoon was handsome even when he cried popped into my head. Unnecessarily, his face was still so handsome.
His bloodshot red eyes scanned every part of my face. His gaze was persistent, as if he wanted to hear some kind of answer to the words he had spoken.
But right now, I didn't want to give him an answer. I had thought about it for a very long time, but I still hadn't found one.
So, in this moment, I was in a state where I couldn't give an answer.
But I didn't feel the need to tell him that. So instead, I decided to spit out some rather sharp words.
"Why."
"..."
"What do you want me to do."
The words that burst out of my mouth were not what Seo Jaehoon had wanted to hear, as his still-handsome face was instantly covered in gloom.
"If you say you're sorry, do I have to accept it? Did you come find me regardless of whether it was dawn or night because you were tired of waiting for me to wake up and wanted me to just hurry up and forgive you?"
"...No, that's not it—"
"Then why are you crying like that, as if you want me to do something for you? I have no intention of doing anything yet."
As I let out the exact words he had once said to me, Seo Jaehoon's lips parted in shock. Inside his moist eyes, my reflection wavered helplessly. The voice that came out was calmer than I expected and felt somewhat unfamiliar, and the words, which even I felt were excessively cold, made my chest ache.
Still, I showed no sign of it and quietly met Seo Jaehoon's eyes. Looking into his shock-filled eyes, I actually felt a little, no, maybe a lot, that it served him right.
Am I a bad person? But considering everything I've been through, isn't this actually pretty tame?
"Jaehoon-ah."
At my call, Seo Jaehoon, who had been hanging his head low, instantly lifted it.
"Don't come until I tell you to. Tell the others, too. Tell them not to come secretly."
"..."
"I'll be discharged soon anyway, and then I'll have to see you all the time even if it's uncomfortable."
"Discharged...?"
Seo Jaehoon repeated the word "discharged" as if he'd never heard it before. Right, Nam Yiwoo's nephew was Nam Kangwoo, not Seo Jaehoon.
"The doctor said it's okay for me to be discharged now. On the day I leave, it's obvious you'll come even if I tell you not to, so why lose sleep and come in the middle of the night?"
My voice was as erratic as my fluctuating mood. It was fine when I first called out to Seo Jaehoon, but by the time I decided I had to send him away, my voice had become sharp.
My feelings toward the three of them were filled with resentment. I spent the entire day thinking about them, but the end of my thoughts was always a tangled mess, like a jumbled ball of thread.
Dammit, I still liked the three of them, but I also hated them. The conflicting feelings kept clashing. My heart, not leaning to either side, was busy swaying back and forth without a sense of direction.
"I'll contact you before I'm discharged, so please, don't come."
As I mumbled with a blank expression, Seo Jaehoon reluctantly nodded. Completely deflated, Seo Jaehoon slowly straightened his body.
"...I'll go."
Seeing his large frame with shoulders slumped as he turned around was somehow pitiful. That... bastard whose face is his weapon...
I tried to ignore it and muttered, "Bye." The sound of his footsteps echoed, and they seemed to hesitate at the door before stopping. Lying in bed, I had been following Seo Jaehoon's back with my eyes, and wondering what he would do next, I quietly observed his movements.
Seo Jaehoon's hand, which had been on the doorknob, held no strength, but then, as if he had made up his mind, he pushed the door with enough force for his veins to bulge.
*Drrrk*, the door slid open smoothly and lightly, creating just enough of a gap for Seo Jaehoon to slip out. A low sigh was heard, and without a single proper glance back, Seo Jaehoon left the hospital room.
I just watched, as if engraving the sight into my eyes.
***
Whether Seo Jaehoon relayed the message well, the three of them didn't show their faces at all after that day. I deliberately stayed awake at dawn sometimes, but the tightly closed door never opened. I wondered what was up with them, and then, thinking that maybe they were finally starting to listen, I felt a tiny bit proud, which put me in a pretty good mood.
After getting permission, or rather, the approval to be discharged from Nam Yiwoo, I, with great reluctance, opened a chat window to send a message to the most recent name on the list.
'I'm getting discharged tomorrow? No, they said I can be discharged now...? Um... I think I'm getting discharged?'
I wracked my brain, wondering what I should send. No, all I had to say was that I was being discharged, and I felt pathetic for agonizing over something so simple.
After much deliberation, I ended up just sending a simple message.
[I'm getting discharged tmrw lol]
Ah. Fuck, fuck! Undo, undo...!
I meant to write '퇴원해' (I'm being discharged). But my fingers, stiff from lack of use, made an unwanted typo on the keypad and sent it just like that.
My body trembled with anger and shame at my finger for failing to press a single vowel correctly. I looked at the screen again and again, and no matter how I looked at it, the message looked way too cheerful.
"Hah... damn... so embarrassing."
Hoping desperately that the recipient would realize it was a typo, I clutched my phone, my whole body shaking. Then, I threw the square culprit of this disaster onto a corner of the bed and sat up straight.
The sky was cloudy, looking like it would rain. Thinking I should go for a walk before it started pouring, I dragged the mobile IV stand and slowly crossed the hospital room.
I passed through the familiar hallway and stopped in front of the elevator. I was momentarily lost in the view of the cityscape outside the window before the arrival sound prompted me to move.
*Dorrrreuk, dorrrreuk.* The sound of the stand's wheels rolling seemed particularly loud. I stood with my back leaned against the wall out of habit, a dazed look on my face, and soon arrived at the rooftop garden, where I straightened up and started walking.
A gust of humid wind blew past. The wind, which shook me completely before moving on, quickly made my body feel damp.
Even so, I liked that the day was quite cool, so I moved my feet toward my usual spot.
Sitting on a bench in front of the railing, I stared blankly up at the sky, where the clouds looked especially heavy, and tried to guess when it might rain. Would it rain if I waited for an hour? Or perhaps it would rain sooner than that.
The damp air clung to my face. Just like the ever-changing sky, my mood quickly became cloaked in gloom.
Why do people get more depressed when it rains? I never understood that feeling before, but today, I thought I kind of got it. The gloomy weather made my mood, which had been decent, drop to the tips of my toes. The heavy, moisture-laden air seemed to make my spirits sink endlessly.
I closed my eyes to the darkening sky and sat there, quietly feeling the wind. I only opened them when small droplets began to fall on my face, one by one.
One or two drops of moisture fell on the ground, and I, too, began to get slightly wet.
Plop, plop.
The sound of raindrops falling landed quite loudly in my ears.
I was sitting there blankly, not avoiding the rain, and when the moisture that wasn't touching me felt strange, I looked up at the sky, and only then did I notice the umbrella covering my head.
"Uh..."
My head naturally turned, confirming that my housemate, whose arrival I hadn't even noticed, was shielding me from the rain. I thought it was strange. Raindrops were definitely falling on my face until just a moment ago... when did he get here?
"Why are you out here like this?"
"..."
"Yeoul, you told us not to come, and I wasn't going to, but I thought maybe it would be better to pack up any luggage you might have in advance."
My housemate met my eyes and calmly explained why he was here.
"I went to your room, but you weren't there. It was raining, and Yeoul, you were gone."
"..."
"What if you catch a cold? Especially since... you're already so weak."
"You know, I."
Plop, plop. The sound of water drops hitting the umbrella over my head echoed. It seemed like there were quite a few people scattered around when I first came up, but at some point, no one was left in the garden except for me and Mo Taehee.
My eyes stung. Mo Taehee's face shimmered as if submerged in water, like the raindrops that had been falling one by one were now pooling in my eyes.
"You guys, why on earth did you do that to me?"
"..."
"I'm not okay at all."
"Yeoul-ah."
"I'm not okay at all."
Only my completely broken voice echoed alone in the quiet garden.
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