Scanning the three of them who were standing there with slightly dazed faces, I made no effort to hide my feeling of annoyance.
“Not leaving?”
At my pressing question, the three stammered, “Uh, go, we have to go,” and slowly moved away from the bed. They turned off all the lights, leaving only a single mood lamp on by the bed, and stood in a line at the door, watching me. Were they expecting a proper goodbye?
“Get home safe. And don’t come tomorrow.”
Half of it was the desire to rest comfortably alone, and the other half, I think, was the feeling of not wanting to see them.
To be honest, I felt awkward with the three of them. And my chaotic feelings hadn't been properly sorted out yet. Also... the way they had acted towards me right before the accident was still lodged in my heart.
Their season was summer, but I was alone, stuck in spring.
The three of them, left at the tail end of spring, had treated me as if I were one of their possessions and acted selfishly as if it were their right. Back then, I was so scared of something that I was busy just being swayed by them.
But now that I've woken up and am looking back, I realize these guys were just bad.
Drunk on their words that they did it because they liked me, I also thought it was okay since I liked them too. But it wasn't. If you like someone, you're not supposed to act like that. Neither them, nor me.
"Ha Yeoul."
"Yeoul-ah."
"..."
Two of the three called my name; one couldn't even do that and just stared at me intently.
"I'm really out of my mind right now. So..."
"Yeoul-ah."
"So for the time being, I'll just be alone."
At my words, the three of them seemed flustered. Three pairs of eyes filled with surprise and confusion were fixed on me. They probably wanted me to retract my words or at least set a deadline for how long...
"I'll contact you when I've sorted out my thoughts."
I pretended not to notice and continued, without setting a time frame.
"...You don't even have a phone, how, how are you going to contact us."
"...Ah."
Right, that's true... I looked at the three of them with a slightly troubled face, then let out a small yawn as a wave of fatigue truly washed over me.
"Then I'll just figure it out... on my own..."
As I shifted my body to get comfortable and turned my back, I felt someone's presence approaching.
"I'll leave my phone here. There's no passcode. The charger is in the drawer, so make sure to charge it..."
Seo Jaehoon's voice was somehow completely dejected.
I was about to tell him to take the phone with him because even that felt like a hassle, but then I thought if I didn't even have this, all three of them would probably come and go as they pleased using 'contact' as an excuse, so I reluctantly nodded. Then, as if to really tell them to go now, I reached my hand back and waved it a couple of times before pulling the blanket up over my head.
It seemed no one was moving, but then I heard the sound of footsteps, one by one. The hesitant footsteps slowly faded away.
Relieved to finally be alone, I yawned a few more times in a row and drifted off into a light sleep.
* * *
The three of them diligently kept their word. No, I thought they did.
My housemates really didn't come while I was awake. They usually came at night or in the deep of dawn when I was asleep. I didn't know at first, but I found out thanks to the nurses telling me.
As witnesses to these guys who came without fail at dawn, they would drop by my room the next morning as soon as their shifts changed.
They would tell me stories like who came at dawn today, what time they left, and would also tell me one or two stories from when I was in a coma. The stories I heard through them were mostly similar.
Stories of how one of them would hold my hand for hours without moving, or how they fell asleep holding my hand. Occasionally, there were stories of them kissing the back of my hand, and of them stroking my face with a touch so desperate it was a little pitiful to watch.
"We thought you were, like, their victim or something. Three handsome guys sitting here like sinners every day."
"A victim?"
"We thought, you know, maybe they bullied you and something... happened."
Sitting across from one of the nurses I had become quite close to, I was sipping a drink when I momentarily froze at her words. Having nothing to say, I just let out a small, bashful laugh. Rather than bullying... it was excessive attention and affection. Though I did wonder if that could even be called affection.
"Come on, do I look like I'd get beat up anywhere?"
"No, you just look like you could be anywhere."
Her voice was full of mischief. She and I continued our silly banter for a little while longer.
"Ah, I should get going now."
Then, checking the time, she straightened up with a weary face, stretched, and familiarly reached out to pat my hair.
"My youngest brother is around your age."
"Is that so?"
"So when you first came in, I felt a bit concerned."
"Ah."
I nodded as if to say, I see.
"Just as much as your friends who come here, I was also hoping you'd wake up soon. It's nice that you're awake. It's a relief."
At her nonchalant words, a laugh burst out of me. She sounded like she was just talking about everyday things, like how terribly hot it is outside. Then, suddenly, an uncomfortable topic came up.
"Make them stop coming secretly at dawn every day before you wake up. Let them stop that now. Let them come during the day. Why make them all come when you're asleep?"
"Noona."
"Right, I don't know your situation. Still, while you were lying there, those kids were so precarious, like they could die at any moment. But even after you, whom they waited for so anxiously, woke up, they still have that same face when they come at dawn. A face that looks like they're about to die from guilt."
At her gentle voice, I unknowingly furrowed my brow.
"I don't know what happened, but unless they did something terribly wrong to you, isn't daytime better than dawn? They're kids who have only ever seen you with your eyes closed, let them see you with your eyes open for a bit."
"..."
"No, I'm just... I feel sorry for them, that's all."
At my cold gaze, she quickly added her words. The atmosphere, once sunk, did not brighten up as before. I let out a low sigh and opened my mouth.
"You don't really know, do you?"
You don't know anything. I looked at her with a face tinged with resentment, then glared at her as she held my gaze. Right now, they're a little pitiful, but I was pitiful the whole time.
"I don't. You're right. Sorry if I overstepped. Still, now that you know they're coming at dawn, you should take some sort of action. Either tell them not to come, or tell them when to come."
"Why are you..."
"Do what's for the best. What's good is good."
Hearing her voice, speaking so easily as if she knew everything, made me a little irritated. Why did these guys have to come at dawn and make me hear things I didn't need to... As my anger surged, the words that came out of my mouth were not kind.
"Noona, you know, that's what I kept doing for them. 'It's for the best, so I should just endure it and move on. I should just do what they want. I have to understand.' And then I ended up like this."
I glanced down at my own form, leaning back against the bed. At my low, resonating voice, her body, which had been standing by the bed, flinched slightly.
"I really thought I was going to die. When I woke up, I found myself wondering what the hell I had been doing all that time."
"..."
"So don't talk about other people's business so easily. 'What's good is good'... Well, I wonder if that would be the case from my perspective."
In the instantly heavy atmosphere, she cleared her throat in embarrassment. Then, she offered a short "sorry" and turned away.
Watching her receding back, I thought, that nurse probably won't be coming back now. I wasn't particularly sad about it. It was just that her words were stuck in my solar plexus, bothering me.
The phone Seo Jaehoon left had received no contact from the three of them, aside from messages and calls from his friends. The thought that they acted as if they would wait for my call, but in the end, didn't wait at all and frequented this place at dawn, made me feel both resentful and a little sorry for them.
Even so, I didn't want to see them right now. Not during the day, not at night, and not, as the nurses said, in the deep of dawn. I had thought I wanted the three of them to wait until I told them to come, but they were still as selfish as ever.
It would have been better if I had never found out.
I was lost in thought for a moment, staring at the black screen. What do I want to do? Then, at the *drrrk* sound of the door opening, my head naturally turned towards it.
'Why are so many people coming today...'
"You're awake."
"Ah... hello."
It was the man who looked like Nam Kangwoo. Was it Nam Yiwoo? He said he was his uncle, but he looked so young that I had been taken aback. The way he smiled with his eyes while saying he was the late youngest child felt unfamiliar and strange. It was awkward how he looked similar to Nam Kangwoo, yet his cold face constantly wore a smile like a cherry blossom.
"How are you feeling today?"
"Just..."
"Just?"
"The same."
At my subdued reply, Nam Yiwoo came closer. He studied my face carefully and then, with a hand that resembled Nam Kangwoo's, he carelessly patted my hair.
"'I'm in a bad mood.' It's written right here, on your forehead."
A long finger tapped my forehead.
"Why."
"Pardon?"
"I was just wondering if the three of them are not showing up these days."
At the casual question, I just turned my head, avoiding his gaze.
"It's... uncomfortable."
"I heard they did a lot of wrong things."
"..."
"And that's why they're desperate with worry."
At the voice that settled softly by my ear, which was turned towards the window, my head automatically looked up.
"I don't know what it is, but forgiving them or not is up to you, Yeoul."
"..."
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he stared at me hugging my knees, then spoke.
"Still, if it's a problem for the four of you to solve, then the four of you should solve it together. It's not for you to worry about alone, Yeoul. Oh, and I came to tell you that you can be discharged now."
Listening to his calm, flowing voice, I doubted my ears for a moment. 'Wait, discharged? I think I'm still a little sick...'
"Your condition seems to have returned to a level you're well familiar with."
"Uh... I think I'm still sick, no, I'm dizzy... and it's hard to even go to the garden— I get out of breath..."
"Coming for physical therapy can be done as an outpatient. And that's because your stamina is low, not because there's something wrong with your body."
He paid no mind to my gaze filled with bewilderment and said what he wanted to say.
"You've recovered enough to be discharged now. If you stay in the hospital for too long, even healthy people get sick."
Still sitting on the edge of the bed, Nam Yiwoo tapped the back of my hand. Lightly and cheerfully.
Then he got up and messed up my hair, which had gotten so long that it covered my ears.
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