"Ugh—"
When I awoke from my sleep, a pained sound naturally flowed from my lips. I had no idea how long I had been lying there. When I opened my eyes, I saw a white ceiling, and then I saw the IV bags hanging profusely, connected to the crook of my arm.
I think I had been lying down for quite a long time. I knew this because my whole body creaked with even the smallest movement. Just shifting slightly on the bed I was lying flat on was enough to make me breathless.
What was even more maddening was that as soon as I was fully conscious, my back began to hurt as if it would truly snap. I didn't care if I was out of breath; I wanted to sit up right away, starting with my back.
"Hah, fuck..."
And what's with this voice.
A rough, cracked voice, like a parched land splitting apart, shot out of my mouth. Moving my body slower than a turtle, I somehow managed to sit up, and then I had to rest for a long while.
Finally breathing evenly, I looked around the unfamiliar space. Then, since I was awake, I decided to go outside first and think about the current situation step by step. Things like how I should act towards the three people I would inevitably face as soon as I was up.
After barely managing to move the IV bag to the mobile stand on one side, I slowly tried to move my feet. Even just holding onto the stand and pushing it gently was a struggle, but it still felt much better than when I was lying down.
I slipped my body through the gap of the door that opened smoothly even with a little force and walked down the long corridor. My legs were trembling a bit, but I knew all too well that there was no way they'd be fine, so it wasn't something I was too concerned about. However, there was one thing I was worried about.
"Ha... I'm gonna die from being out of breath."
I was truly so out of breath that I worried I might suffocate and die. Wouldn't it be too unfair to die from shortness of breath after walking a few steps just after waking up?
I muttered to myself as I passed the desk. A curse flowed from my lips out of habit. My breath came all the way up to my chin after just this short walk. It was embarrassing how clearly I could hear myself panting.
It seemed this damn body hadn't recovered one bit despite lying down for a long time. It was still just as weak, making the long time I spent sleeping and resting feel pointless.
Ah, of course, even that weakness was extremely familiar. Dammit, my body was weak to a degree I was well aware of, both before and after the accident.
I finally arrived in front of the elevator and reached out a trembling hand to press the button. Sunlight poured in through the glass windows on either side. I closed my eyes as if momentarily intoxicated by the warmth of the sun, then they flew open at the sound of the elevator announcing its arrival.
I pushed my body into the square space and slowly read the floor guide posted next to the mirror. I followed a word that caught my eye and pressed the button, then blinked my stiff eyes. First, I wanted to breathe some fresh air. Preferably in a place with a wide-open view of the outside.
I could tell that the place I was heading to would satisfy both of these conditions. I soon felt myself defying gravity.
Ah... I'm so damn dizzy...
I think I used to like this feeling, but now my head felt like it was spinning. I felt nauseous and leaned against the wall with my eyes closed. Not long after, I opened my eyes at the sound of arrival and moved my feet with difficulty.
It was definitely spring when the accident happened, but when I stepped out of the door connected to the rooftop garden, it was the middle of summer. I stood still, basking my entire body in the bright sunlight, and felt a sense of déjà vu, wondering if I had really woken up properly.
I stretched out the hand that was holding the stand and held it up to the sunlight. The hand, so pale that even the tangled blue veins stood out, was indeed Ha Yeoul's. It seemed the strange sense of déjà vu was just a groundless fear; I had woken up properly in Ha Yeoul's body.
Looking down at the small hand, I recalled my final moments, when I accepted Ha Yeoul's proposal without a second thought. I didn't know my will to live was that strong.
And back then, I didn't know this body would be so pathetically weak. If I had known it would be this weak, I would have at least hesitated a little before readily accepting Ha Yeoul's proposal. Being this weak was too much of a loss for me.
After standing there idly with useless thoughts, I slowly pushed the stand again and walked with difficulty towards the railing in front of me.
Having barely reached my destination, I sat on a bench right below it and stared blankly at the distant scenery for a while. And I breathed in the fresh air, for who knows how long it had been.
Yes, a person needs to live while breathing the outside air like this. Fresh air filled my constricted lungs. My chest heaved visibly.
"This is nice... it's nice, but..."
Why did he have to switch? He could have just died in this body. Was it because he was afraid he'd go to hell if he ended his own life? Then since he died in my body, did he go to a good place? Like paradise or heaven, for example.
Did Ha Yeoul, who died in my body, find some peace? He looked so tired...
Well, it made sense. This pitiful body was sick all the time, and no one cared about him. I thought it was understandable that he would have been lonely and depressed.
That terribly gloomy face kept shimmering before my eyes, and at the end of my thoughts, I pictured the remaining three, side by side.
How was Seo Jaehoon at the end? I recalled the face that remained like an afterimage in my distant memory. I think he was very surprised. Then, naturally, I thought of Nam Kangwoo and Mo Taehee as well. So...
What do I do.
I couldn't tell if I wanted to see them or not, but the timing always fit together as if perfectly arranged for the worst possible moment.
"Ha Yeoul."
"Yeoul-ah."
"Hey, Ha Yeoul."
Like this.
I heard voices calling me from behind. Their trembling tones were mixed with ragged breaths.
I stared ahead a little longer before slowly getting up. I swayed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, but unable to bear that split second, someone reached out, grabbed my wrist, and pulled.
In an instant, I was familiarly held in his embrace. It was an embrace I knew well. It wasn't the least bit unfamiliar; it was warm and still fragrant.
"Ha, fuck. Oh my God. Thank you, God."
Yeah, seeing him seek a god he doesn't even believe in, he must have been worried sick. Worried that I might not wake up.
I could feel the quick beating of his heart against my chest. I remained still in his arms for a moment before raising my hands and pushing Seo Jaehoon's body away. Normally, there's no way he would have been pushed, but he immediately reacted to my weak touch and pulled his body away.
"Don't."
And my mouth, unlike the heart that was a little worried about the three of them, let out a cold voice.
* * *
After coming down to the hospital room, I was incredibly exhausted from undergoing a series of tests. They even did some kind of brainwave scan, and when I asked why on earth they were doing this, the doctor who resembled Nam Kangwoo placated me by saying, 'There's just something simple we need to check.'
"This is the last one, so just bear with it a little longer, Yeoul-ah."
His voice, coming from a face as cold as Nam Kangwoo's, was gentle. Nam Kangwoo was only like spring when he smiled, but the man before me was like spring the entire time we made eye contact. A soft smile was constantly on his lips throughout the examination.
"Why are you smiling like that?"
"Just, I'm happy that Yeoul woke up, and it also seems like you've changed a lot since I last saw you?"
Ah... it seemed this person knew me too. My mouth clamped shut reflexively. I straightened my head to look at the ceiling and then closed my eyes, and this quick-witted man didn't try to talk to me anymore.
By the time I left the examination room, the sun was already setting. It had been bright and sunny just a moment ago, but now it was evening. Time passed quickly.
I stood blankly in front of the elevator, and the familiar sound of its arrival snapped me to my senses. I dragged my feet slowly and pressed the button for my floor, feeling completely drained. I really didn't feel like I had done anything...
"Agh... I'm so tired I could die..."
I leaned against the wall and muttered in a low voice. I truly had no energy at all. I blinked, staring at the display where the numbers were changing rapidly, and when it arrived at my floor, I irritably shoved the stand hard.
I was the one who told them not to follow me. If I'd known it would be this hard, I should have pretended to give in and brought at least one of them along.
Every single step was heavy with exhaustion. I passed the corridor, nodded to the nurse at the desk, and pushed open the door to my room.
I thought I had finally arrived and could rest... but those guys, who wouldn't know tact if they tried to trade it for candy, shot up from their seats like springs the moment I entered.
It would be great if they used that quick movement to just go home.
"You worked hard, Yeoul-ah. It must have been tough."
Mo Taehee was still as gentle as ever. He was the first to approach, grabbing the stand and helping me walk. I was so drained by this simple act that I ended up leaning heavily on Mo Taehee.
He naturally wrapped his arm around my shoulder. Then he carefully laid me down on the bed, moved the IV bag from the stand to the pole connected to the bed, and even meticulously tucked me in with the blanket.
I stared at his actions blankly before shifting my gaze to the other two who were standing as if frozen.
"...Why aren't you leaving."
My dry voice finally cracked and came out raspy. At my question, the three of them flinched before moving slowly.
"Should we go?"
As if that's even a question. I glared sharply at Seo Jaehoon and then opened my mouth.
"...Yeah. I'm a little tired."
"Right, we were being thoughtless. We'll go."
The three of them said with their mouths, "we should go, let's go, we're going now," but it seemed they had no real intention of leaving, as they just moved about restlessly without anyone getting further away from me.
"Go, stop it. I'm really tired."
I muttered, pressing my palms hard against my stiff eyes.
"Are you going to sleep?"
And it seemed the three of them were not happy about me going to sleep. I wondered what the hell was wrong with these bastards, so I took my hands away from my eyes and scanned the three of them standing side-by-side at my bedside.
"Turn off the light when you leave. Goodbye."
The three of them had faces full of things to say, but that was none of my business right now. I was truly so tired that I didn't have the energy to say anything at the moment.
I turned my head away, as if avoiding Nam Kangwoo's outstretched hand. His long, straight fingertips trembled slightly before he awkwardly straightened the blanket and pulled away.
"I'll come back tomorrow."
"..."
'Just turn off the light and hurry up and leave.' Instead of voicing my ever-blatant inner thoughts, I shifted and turned my back to them. And then.
"Just go as soon as you can."
Shifting again, I spat out the words I had only intended to think. All three of them froze as if they had turned to stone. Ah, of course, I stiffened up a bit too.
'Fuck my life...' There was one thing I realized after dying and coming back to life: holding back is of no help to me whatsoever. It just made me feel frustrated and pathetic. And at the time of the accident, it was even unfair.
Holding back only gave me a pointless stomachache. There were so many things I couldn't say, but since I didn't die and woke up, this time I thought I would really, truly, tell the three of them everything on my mind, whatever it may be. Whatever it was. Even if it was a curse word.
Nothing was solved by holding back. I tried to endure for their sake, but the misunderstanding only deepened, and the situation spiraled towards the worst possible outcome.
So I decided not to do such a foolish thing anymore.
This was a life I chose to survive when I was dying.
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