Seo Jaehoon slowly met their eyes and continued in a low voice.
“I was asking what the two of them were doing before the accident.”
“And.”
“Just say it all at once.”
Anxious about a story concerning Ha Yeoul that they didn’t know, the two men pressed Seo Jaehoon.
“I asked what on earth they were doing on the lawn that day, and he said they were looking for a four-leaf clover.”
“…What?”
At the unfamiliar word, both of their lips parted at the same time, uttering the same question.
“Looking for what? No, why would he look for that—”
“He said he’d been feeling a little unhappy lately.”
"Fuck." A curse escaped both of their mouths. Mo Taehee even let go of Ha Yeoul’s hand, which he had been holding, and crumpled his face.
“What are we going to do, all of us.”
Seo Jaehoon’s voice, thick with guilt, settled calmly in their ears.
“……”
“……”
They had never once thought that their existence could be the reason for someone’s unhappiness. And of all people, for Ha Yeoul.
Shadows filled the faces of the three men. In the atmosphere that had sunk in an instant, no one knew what to say.
His face deepening with self-reproach, Mo Taehee released Ha Yeoul’s hand and raised his own to cover his face. The thought occurred to him that perhaps he wasn't unable to wake up, but that he was refusing to wake up because he didn't want to.
“Ha…”
A sigh escaped Mo Taehee’s lips. As he let out several long, frustrated breaths, Nam Kangwoo also let out a long sigh.
Seo Jaehoon, who had been keeping his spot with a dazed look, slowly rose to his feet and tapped the shoulder of Nam Kangwoo sitting next to him. A cold face turned towards him. "Aren’t you leaving?" After confirming that the emotionless face nodded slowly up and down, he turned away without any lingering attachment.
“I didn’t bring my car.”
“How did you get here then.”
“Mo Taehee.”
A dry exchange of voices came and went. Nam Kangwoo squeezed the hand he was holding a little tighter before letting go and slowly getting up.
“Mo Taehee.”
“……”
“The three of us are the cause of his unhappiness. To Ha Yeoul, we were all the same.”
“…I know.”
“I’m leaving.”
Offering a comfort that wasn’t quite a comfort, he walked slowly and pulled out two cups of coffee from a carrier bag placed on the table. With a coffee in each hand, Nam Kangwoo glanced back and forth between Mo Taehee and Ha Yeoul, then slowly exited the hospital room.
*Drrrk,* the sound of the door sliding open and then closing was heard. Mo Taehee, who was still covering his face, finally, slowly, removed his hands.
The thoughts that filled his head became tangled at will. When he tried to think about what was best for Ha Yeoul, what would help Ha Yeoul the most, the conclusion was always that they had to disappear from his sight.
Could he disappear from his sight if Ha Yeoul wanted it, just as Seo Jaehoon had said? Could he really do that?
His thoughts deepened. Watching Ha Yeoul sleep with soft, rhythmic breaths, he looked more peaceful than ever, which made him feel sorry. Ha Yeoul, who had never been at ease at any moment, finally looked serene after falling into a coma.
Mo Taehee’s hand, full of hesitation, hovered in the air before gently pressing a spot on Ha Yeoul’s cheek and pulling away. It was the spot where a dimple would deeply form when he smiled, but now even his smiling face was becoming faint.
Staring intently at the motionless Ha Yeoul, Mo Taehee’s lips parted and closed several times, as if he had something to say.
“I heard from Kangwoo.”
Mo Taehee's voice echoed softly in the silent hospital room. The end of his voice trembled slightly, as if a nervous tension had seeped into its gentle tone.
“He said you asked what we are to you. To me, you are……”
He chose his words again and again. Even while he was alone. Since Ha Yeoul fell into a coma, his time had been entirely spent searching for the answer to the question Ha Yeoul had supposedly asked.
“I, I think I love you, Yeoul.”
He couldn’t find a more fitting word than ‘love’. To say he ‘liked’ him, his heart felt too overwhelmed. It would have been better if he had said it when Ha Yeoul could hear, while looking into his eyes.
He drifted into another thought for a moment. What would it have been like if Ha Yeoul had heard his confession? Would his pale cheeks have flushed red, not knowing how to respond to his confession? If he lowered his head in embarrassment, his fine hair would have rustled as it all cascaded downwards. And then, instead of an answer, would he have changed the subject with an awkward smile?
Mo Taehee smiled bitterly, indulging in a fantasy that could never be realized.
“If I say I love you, will you… still be unhappy?”
His hand, which had been stroking the soft curve of his ear, gently swept over the thinly veiled, tightly shut eyelids. Just as he thought he could even disappear from sight if only Ha Yeoul would wake up as Seo Jaehoon said, he became greedy again.
“You probably would be, I guess.”
He gently traced the densely packed eyelashes with his fingertip, then pulled back his hand, thick with lingering attachment, and slowly rose from his seat.
He felt a tightness in his chest. He thought he needed to smoke a cigarette.
* * *
After chain-smoking a few cigarettes in the smoking area on one side of the rooftop garden, the tightness in his chest finally eased a little. He sat on a bench, looking up at the sky dotted with cumulus clouds, then slowly stood up. He thought he had been away for too long.
He shoved the cigarette pack carelessly into his pocket. Before getting on the elevator, he used mouthwash, washed his hands several times, and sprayed deodorant to get rid of the unpleasant smell. While waiting for the elevator, Mo Taehee stared at his reflection in the mirror and wiped at his parched face.
Since Ha Yeoul was hospitalized, all three of them had let themselves go, as if they had given up on living like human beings. He didn’t want to show this side of himself to Ha Yeoul. As he looked at his gaunt face and stroked the dark stubble that had grown in, the door of the elevator that had arrived in no time slid open to the sides.
Only after pressing the floor number he had pressed dozens of times did he feel the tension begin to release.
The elevator descended smoothly, and its display stopped on the familiar number. Thinking he had been away for too long, he quickened his pace.
Walking down the long corridor, he thought about Ha Yeoul’s unhappiness. Even when he tried not to, the thought that they were the cause of Ha Yeoul’s unhappiness made him feel as if all the blood was draining from his fingertips.
'When he wakes up, I have to ask him what he wants to do. This time, I won't make a mistake and I'll do as he asks,' he resolved, stopping in front of the hospital room. He let out a long breath and hesitated for a few moments with his hand on the firmly closed doorknob before slowly pushing the door open.
The sun-drenched afternoon hospital room was a very familiar sight, but.
“…Yeoul-ah?”
Only one thing was unfamiliar. Ha Yeoul, who should have been lying on the bed, was gone. The IV stand, which had been hung with bags of fluid, was empty.
Did he have a seizure while I was gone for a moment? Where did he go, did someone come? Pushing aside the thoughts that scattered through his mind, he pulled out his phone with a trembling hand.
He found a familiar name, sent a message, and left the room. He stood blankly in the middle of the empty corridor before the buzzing vibration in his pocket snapped him to his senses.
“Yeah.”
— What do you mean he’s gone.
“He’s gone. Literally gone.”
— What the hell were you doing while Ha Yeoul was disappearing.
“I just went up to the rooftop for a bit and came back. Fuck, I’m going crazy.”
— I’m on my way now.
The brief conversation ended, and Mo Taehee’s steps became urgent. He went to the desk and bluntly asked about Ha Yeoul’s whereabouts.
“The patient in room 1305. Where did he go?”
“Excuse me?”
“Ha Yeoul. The comatose patient.”
“Uh… where would that patient go?”
“I was away for a moment and when I came back, he was gone. Are there any tests left for him to do? Yeoul has never disappeared like this without a word.”
He wondered if the words tumbling out of his mouth were being conveyed properly as they tangled together, but he was in too much of a hurry to care about such things. His voice, directed at the nurse, trembled audibly even to his own ears.
At Mo Taehee’s question, the nurse at the desk moved quickly. She stretched her neck to check the room and then went into the nurse's station behind the desk to check if Ha Yeoul had a scheduled test. She checked the board and then a more detailed schedule, but Ha Yeoul’s record was blank. She tilted her head with a “hmm.”
The nurse, with a puzzled look, informed Mo Taehee that the patient had no scheduled tests. Then she immediately picked up the phone and reported Ha Yeoul’s absence to someone.
“We’ll check the room and look for him too. For a patient who was lying in a coma to suddenly be gone from his room—”
Then she abruptly cut herself off. She suddenly remembered a man who had been slowly pushing a mobile IV stand. A man with a pale face, walking slowly, muttering a small curse. Because she had only ever seen him lying down with his eyes closed, she had never imagined that the person passing by in the corridor could be that comatose patient.
“What’s wrong?”
“I think I saw someone who looked like him pass by. Towards the elevators!”
“Please check the CCTV quickly.”
At her urgent words, Mo Taehee’s body instantly turned towards the elevator. 'Up, or down?' His hand, unable to decide which way to go, pressed a button at random. 'I was just there and came down, did we miss each other?'
The elevator, stopped at the rooftop garden, descended with a new, agonizing slowness. His palms grew damp with anxiety.
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