The face he looked down at was as calm and pale as ever. He didn't know exactly how many days it had been since the accident.
What did it matter how much time passed? It was no longer important to the three of them how the days went by. As if it had become a part of their daily routine, the three of them spent the entire day in the hospital, hoping for Ha Yeoul to wake up.
"Ha Yeoul."
The various large and small scratches on his slender body were gradually healing. The red marks that had been left all over his face now had scabs, just waiting to fall off.
Seo Jaehoon frowned as the memories of the accident, which had become vivid again when he looked at the cast on Yeoul's ankle and his tightly shut eyelids, resurfaced, even as he was glad that the traces of that day's accident were disappearing.
"Just when… are you going to wake up."
Seo Jaehoon held the small, bloodless hand and, pressing his lips to it, closed his eyes. Dark shadows pooled under the eyes of his pale face, which was layered with fatigue.
Ever since Ha Yeoul's accident, whenever he tried to sleep, the accident scene or the moment that night when Ha Yeoul said he wanted to die would sporadically appear in his dreams. When he woke up in a fit of a panic, he couldn't fall back asleep.
Out of fear, or out of guilt.
A hesitant hand caressed the pale cheek, so translucent that the blue veins were visible. Seo Jaehoon tried to recall what Yeoul's last expression was, and a corner of his chest ached, causing him to furrow his handsome brow.
The face that had looked at him in the fleeting moment right before the accident, stepping backward, seemed scared, and also uncomfortable. Or perhaps, he was frightened.
Indeed, lately, there hadn't been a single day when Ha Yeoul looked at ease.
As he traced back in time, wondering why he made that face, Seo Jaehoon recalled what he had said to Ha Yeoul, and the words he had spat out came back to him like sharp blades. He kept remembering that night, how he had cornered a weary Ha Yeoul.
If only I had known this would happen. If I had known, I wouldn't have done that. Instead of holding onto the exhausted boy and spewing words that would leave scars on them both, I would have laid him in bed and soothed his weariness. If I had done that, at least the last expression I saw on Ha Yeoul's face wouldn't have been one of fear.
"Fuck…"
He swore without realizing it. Feeling sorry for the cold hand, he had been rubbing it constantly, and now he intertwined his own fingers between the lukewarm ones and pressed his lips to them.
"Please, wake up now. You need to accept my apology. You shouldn't be lying here like this…"
The low voice that flowed into the hospital room, where only the sound of the humidifier releasing steam echoed, was pitiful to the point of being laughable.
'I shouldn't have gotten angry. I shouldn't have shouted. It wasn't Ha Yeoul's fault, I shouldn't have pushed him like that.'
He only dwelled on belated regrets. Regrets that were now useless pressed down on Seo Jaehoon's chest like a stone.
***
At school, the rampant rumors lost their curiosity and slowly died down. For example, the one about Han Seoyun and Ha Yeoul. She directly and indirectly denied and explained her relationship with Ha Yeoul. Only now.
After pulling such an ungrateful stunt, she shamelessly requested to see Ha Yeoul several times, and each time, the three of them refused as a matter of course.
They had not the slightest intention of showing Ha Yeoul's current state—lying in bed unable to even open his eyes—to anyone other than themselves. Who knew what else she might do.
"Ha Yeoul."
Today, as always, Seo Jaehoon's hand reached out to the tightly closed eyelids, gently rubbing the thin skin. His voice was terribly sad.
Ha Yeoul, lying straight on the bed, was still pale and pretty, just like Snow White. And they felt like one of the seven dwarfs, not the prince. Their helpless state, unable to do anything for Ha Yeoul who was sleeping as if he would never wake up, was somehow similar.
"Shit…"
His well-shaped lips parted to let out a vulgar word.
Ha Yeoul was still in a coma. The cool spring had become humid as if summer were just around the corner, but only Ha Yeoul seemed to remain in the cool season.
It felt as if they had left Ha Yeoul all alone in that cool season, and as the days went by, they grew more anxious and uneasy.
"I'm waiting. So please… wake up, please."
"Seo Jaehoon."
Seo Jaehoon, who had been muttering as if praying with his eyes closed while holding Ha Yeoul's hand, raised his head at the voice that suddenly came from behind him.
"Go and get some rest. I'll stay."
He hadn't even heard the door open. Seo Jaehoon met the eyes of Nam Kangwoo, who was leaning against the door and looking at him, for a moment before turning his head back to gaze at Ha Yeoul.
Nam Kangwoo finally moved from his leaning position. He settled into the auxiliary chair beside the bed with a practiced ease.
He naturally sat down and scanned the clear face, which was no different from yesterday. The densely packed eyelashes under the firmly shut eyelids were curled up in a curve.
"Go, I'll be here."
The cool eyes filled with warmth the moment they held Ha Yeoul. Nam Kangwoo's gaze swept over the pale face and confirmed the shallow rise and fall of his chest.
"What did you talk about with Ha Yeoul."
And then, Seo Jaehoon's question came out of nowhere. The day before the accident, Nam Kangwoo had spent quite a long time with Ha Yeoul.
At the question that omitted the 'when,' Nam Kangwoo briefly met Seo Jaehoon's eyes before his tightly sealed lips parted.
"He asked me, 'What on earth am I to you guys?'"
"And so."
"I asked him too. 'What are we to you?'"
It was a casual voice. At Nam Kangwoo's reply, Seo Jaehoon muttered, "You crazy bastard." And to that low mumble, Nam Kangwoo replied, "I know, right." Nam Kangwoo's voice was also filled with regret.
"Instead of asking back, I should have told him I liked him, that it doesn't matter what we are to him, that to me, he's the person I like, over and over again."
"…"
"I regret it. Instead of trying to control him, I should have let Ha Yeoul sway me a bit. Instead of rushing at him like a madman, I should have treated him more preciously. If I had known this would happen, I would have let myself be moderately intoxicated by Ha Yeoul."
"Nam Kangwoo."
"If I had, at least he wouldn't be lying here."
Nam Kangwoo's following words were bitter. Seo Jaehoon thought that the low, heartfelt confession resembled his own.
'I would have let myself be moderately intoxicated by Ha Yeoul.'
Would it have been possible? He mulled over Nam Kangwoo's words.
He now knew all too well that after Ha Yeoul's accident, all three of their pasts had turned into belated regrets of 'should have' and 'would have'. They thought 'I shouldn't have done that to Ha Yeoul' as often as they ate, and now they knew that even that thought was too late.
All regrets looked the same. Dressed in guilt.
"Before the accident. The night before."
"…"
"When I was so mad about something and chased him into his room like a crazy person."
Seo Jaehoon's voice echoed softly. Nam Kangwoo listened intently to the story he was hearing for the first time, yet he couldn't take his eyes off Ha Yeoul.
"After pushing him like that for a while, Ha Yeoul… said he'd rather die."
"...What?"
"He said he felt like he couldn't escape from us this way. That he'd rather die."
"Ha."
An unreadable emotion filled Nam Kangwoo's expressionless face.
"But in response to that, I told him he couldn't even die as he pleased. Who was I to say that? When I'm this helpless and incompetent, unable to do anything."
"Seo Jaehoon."
"The day of the accident."
Seo Jaehoon's lips moved several times before he finally brought out the story that had been circling only in his throat.
"He kept backing away from me. Hesitating when I told him to get in the car. I… I found that a bit annoying. I just wanted to take him home quickly. I didn't want to leave him outside any longer."
Seo Jaehoon trailed off, pausing for a moment. His well-shaped lips opened as if in hesitation, then closed again, repeating the motion.
"And so."
"…I reached out my hand, but he took another step back. I was angry then too. When I scowled, his already frightened face turned even paler… I should have grabbed him sooner and put him in the car… Shit, Ha Yeoul had gotten too far away for me to even grab him. And I had parked the car on the shoulder of the road… I wasn't unaware that there were a lot of cars passing by."
The low voice echoed. The guilt contained in it was heavy.
"Before I could even tell him to move, to come this way, the car was too fast…"
Seo Jaehoon shuddered as if the recurring afterimage was horrifying.
"He flew up and then fell straight to the ground, and I felt like my heart fell with him… I should have killed that bastard driver, but I was out of my mind."
"Mo Taehee took care of it."
"You should have told him to actually kill him."
"I thought he might, so I stopped him."
Nam Kangwoo muttered, his face heavy with fatigue. The two, who had let out empty laughs at their briefly sidetracked conversation, straightened their lips again and fixed their gazes on Ha Yeoul's face.
"There was so much blood. I thought, can this much blood come out of such a small body, is he going to die? Shit, he can't die, what's Ha Yeoul's blood type, can I give him my blood, I was having such stupid thoughts."
"…"
"Because I was so shocked, he smiled faintly, as if to say it was okay. So damn kind. As if he'd forgotten everything I'd done to him until now."
The end of his sentence was bitter. Seo Jaehoon, as if giving a confession, slowly explained what had happened and what he had felt, then habitually tapped Ha Yeoul's fingers.
"I'm confident I won't be like that anymore. If he just wakes up, I feel like I can really do only what Ha Yeoul wants."
"…"
"I shouldn't have been the one to pick him up that day. I shouldn't have been so stubborn. Because of me…"
"Jaehoon-ah."
"Now, if Ha Yeoul tells me to disappear from his sight, I think I could even do that."
Guilt had turned into self-blame. A self-blame, heavier than the guilt that had rested on all their shoulders, was crushing Seo Jaehoon.
"You know it's not your fault. Even if it were me, or Mo Taehee, we wouldn't have been able to prevent the accident."
"I'm not so sure about that. It feels like an accident that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me."
Seo Jaehoon, who had laughed emptily, slowly rose to his feet. He then lightly patted the shoulder of Nam Kangwoo, who still couldn't take his eyes off Ha Yeoul, and left the hospital room without a word of goodbye.
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