The light brown eyes, which had been staring at my hardened face as I muttered, wavered aimlessly. As I gauged Ha Yeoul's reaction, I thought that my dull and boring daily life might become a little more interesting.
‘Where did the Ha Yeoul who used to mutter “I want to die” like a habit go.’
‘…….’
‘Who on earth are you.’
The small face was filled with confusion. The slightly parted lips clamped shut again, and the eyes that had been meeting mine instantly dropped to the floor.
‘Ah… uh… my, my head hurts… Lately, I keep… forgetting things. No, I miss my mom—so, that is.’
‘That is.’
‘……I, uh—I’m dizzy… Tae… Tae….’
With a voice full of panic, they clumsily changed the subject. Still unable to remember my name, Ha Yeoul stuttered, “Tae,” and then, with a face deepening in bewilderment, collapsed. The fingertips covering their pale face were trembling faintly.
I narrowed my large eyes and frowned. Perhaps anxious that I might probe further, they muttered again in a low voice, "Help me..." like a plea.
Somehow, I found that sight cute, and without thinking of pressing further, I nodded and smiled. I found it amusing. I thought it was a welcome happening, like rain in a drought, in my otherwise tedious life. Little did I know that the changed Ha Yeoul would become the welcome rain in my barren daily life.
A smile formed on my lips at the memory. I was lost in thought for a long while, recalling the past few weeks. Then, a low voice calling my name slowly pulled my wandering mind back to Ha Yeoul.
“Taehee…?”
Yes, Ha Yeoul was only now calling my name correctly. The small, cracked voice finally registered clearly in my ears. The round, gentle eyes seemed to hold a sense of worry, but I couldn't tell if it was worry for me or for himself. I hoped it was for himself.
“Yeoul.”
“…Are… are you okay?”
Innocent to a fault, Ha Yeoul worried about me first even in a moment when he should have been worried about himself.
“It’s a relief. The fact that we weren’t friends.”
Ha Yeoul didn't seem to easily understand my answer. The gentle eyes were filled with suspicion. I stared intently into the light brown eyes before speaking.
“If we were friends, there’s no way we could share you so peacefully like this, right?”
I told Ha Yeoul, feigning kindness.
“I wish you knew how much of a relief it is.”
“……”
“Poor Ha Yeoul.”
The large eyes wavered aimlessly. As if feeling pity for the Ha Yeoul who had disappeared, the eyes quickly became moist, making it look as though their under-eyes were wet even though no tears had fallen.
“Why.”
“……”
“Why do you look like you’re about to cry, Yeoul.”
Ha Yeoul avoided my gaze and lowered their head completely.
“I was curious, actually. Not about the Ha Yeoul who disappeared overnight, but how you ended up with us. Who you really are. If maybe Ha Yeoul is putting on a show for us. I’d wonder about such things, but my thoughts would always stop at, ‘This is fine as it is.’ The moment I ask, ‘Who are you, are you really not Ha Yeoul?’ I’m afraid you’ll vanish like a bubble, so I can’t bring myself to say it out loud.”
“You guys… are really….”
“That’s why I said anything is fine. That it doesn’t matter who you are.”
I reached out and caressed his soft cheek. My fingers moved along the fine jawline and lifted the downturned head, and his trembling eyes cautiously met mine.
“It’s okay, Yeoul.”
“I—”
“As long as you don’t disappear again, we’re okay with anything. Even sharing you among the three of us.”
“……”
“But even after we’ve compromised that much, I don’t think I can stand someone else getting in between us, Yeoul.”
Ha Yeoul stared at me with eyes that seemed to understand nothing, then slowly blinked.
“Be careful, or else.”
'We might just lock you up.' I couldn't bring myself to spit out the words caught in my throat like a thorn. For fear that Ha Yeoul would get scared and disappear somewhere.
“Why… why go this far….”
“Because we like you. Because we like you so much, Yeoul.”
“…How is this….”
Ha Yeoul muttered as if crying. 'How is this liking someone.' It was a voice so small it seemed it would fade away, but even that stirred my heart. Just as my eyes had found themselves following only Ha Yeoul, it was only natural that my heart had turned towards Ha Yeoul.
“How could we not like you? When you’re this lovely.”
“……”
“I wish you didn’t know anything. I wish you knew nothing and just lived knowing only us. If I could, I feel like I would make it so in an instant.”
“…You crazy bastards….”
With a voice mixed with resignation and despair, I let out a small laugh and moved the hand that was cupping his cheek. My hand traced his face, and when I pressed down on the dimple that formed when he smiled, Ha Yeoul twisted his head and pushed my hand away.
“…I’m tired.”
“When are you going to apologize, Yeoul?”
“For what….”
About yesterday. I pressed my lips to his small earlobe and whispered, and his slender shoulders flinched. I couldn't tell if he really didn't remember or was just pretending not to.
“You kissed that girl yesterday, in front of us.”
“……”
At my words, Ha Yeoul, who had been looking down, widened their eyes and turned their head with a face that still suggested he didn't remember. I stared at him, gave a faint smile, and slowly rose from the bed.
“Come find me when you remember.”
To apologize. I told Ha Yeoul, who was still sitting with a dazed expression, and slowly moved away. The gaze sticking to my back wasn't all that bad, so I think I walked slower than usual.
And instead of coming to apologize, Ha Yeoul fell ill that night and remained sick for several days. His body was already weak, and it seemed the hangover and the unfiltered confession of our feelings each did their part in making Ha Yeoul sick.
His fragile body didn't welcome any of our hands, whether we were checking for a fever or giving him medicine. His small voice, which mumbled, "Go away," from his fever, was even tinged with resentment.
After groaning in pain, Ha Yeoul finally fell asleep under the effect of painkillers. His hot, even breaths dispersed into the air, and a quiet stillness filled the room. Was the unadorned truth that came out that day such a great shock to Ha Yeoul? A pang of regret hit me, thinking I should have held back a little.
Or maybe, I should have just told him we were friends.
I stared at the IV line attached to his slender arm, where blue veins were entangled like a spiderweb, and had a silly thought. But the words already spoken couldn't be taken back.
My gaze, which had been resting on his thin wrist, gradually moved upwards. To the closed lips, the neatly shut eyes, the hair clustered on his forehead.
As if possessed, my hand reached out and touched his messy hair. As I gently swept the sweat-dampened hair back behind his ear, the half-hidden face was fully revealed.
The only color on his white face was the red of their parched lips.
“Yeoul-ah.”
As I called out the roundly pronounced name, his well-defined eyebrows furrowed.
“Yeoul-ah, Yeoul-ah.”
Thinking he would wake up soon, I called his name several times, and the long-closed eyelids trembled. Along with the tremor, the long eyelashes fluttered. The light leaking from the bedside lamp fell on parts of Ha Yeoul's face, creating gloomy shadows.
The trembling eyelids, perhaps heavy, opened more slowly than usual, revealing hazy eyes from between them.
“Yeoul-ah, are you feeling a bit better?”
“…It hurts.”
A hoarse and cracked reply flowed from between his parched lips. I worried that his chapped lips would split every time he opened his mouth.
“Want to sit up?”
“Yeah.”
At my question, he gave a small nod and held out a hand as if asking for help. The pale, strengthless hand was a welcome sight.
I put an arm behind his neck, held his slender wrist, and helped him lean against the headboard. A smile that looked like it would crumble formed on his face. I picked up the glass of water from the nightstand and brought it to his dry lips. His thin lips parted, drinking the water as I tilted the cup.
“You had a high fever.”
“I’m dizzy.”
Ha Yeoul glanced indifferently at the IV drip attached to his hand, then met my eyes again. His water-moistened lips were damp, capturing my gaze.
A dry laugh escaped me. A sound like air escaping my lips, *pshh*. I wondered if I was less than a beast, getting turned on by Ha Yeoul even in a moment like this. And then.
“I… can’t remember.”
At Ha Yeoul’s sudden words, it felt as though the pent-up heat was slowly draining away.
“What?”
“…Now I don’t even know who I was.”
He blinked their wide-open eyes and muttered, the words devoid of any emotion.
“…I think I heard someone say… he wanted to die.”
“Ha Yeoul.”
“And I think I said… that I wanted to live.”
The end of the thin voice, carrying a slight tremor, cracked. I reflexively frowned.
My hand shot out on its own and touched Ha Yeoul’s throat. As my fingertips touched the soft skin and rubbed the area lingeringly, his small body flinched.
“Taehee…?”
The voice that used to mutter, 'I’d rather just die', like a habit, briefly flashed through my mind.
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