IBS - Chapter 22

I seized on Han Jinheon’s silence, pressing my point. My voice trembled pathetically.

"And what makes you think your words are any different? Do you think I can meet a good person just because I’m an Omega? What if that’s not the case? What if I manifested but can’t even have children? What if I’m imprinted and then the bond is unilaterally broken? What if, in the first place, I become an Omega and nothing is different from how it is now?”

If I just listened to him and became an Omega, and my situation didn’t improve, then I’d be completely screwed, wouldn’t I? Nothing could be certain.

I had lived my entire life as a Beta. If I had come from a world where traits didn’t exist at all, I might have accepted his proposal in a heartbeat. But in this world, and in the world before, everything about them was starkly real.

What if the two worlds had treated traits the same way? I might have been swayed.

The place I used to live didn’t assign duties or responsibilities within the family based on one’s trait, like this place did. There was no separate upper-class society just for them, and Betas could have full inheritance rights. It was a world that operated on freedom and fairness, regardless of one's trait. No one looked down on a Beta for not being able to bear children.

But here, one’s trait was a major element of one’s identity. It came before one’s name, and as I said, it came with duties and responsibilities. The prevailing view was that Omegas should mate with Alphas and produce the next generation of Alphas. For their kind, the procreation of Alphas was more important than anything else. Just like Han Jinheon had implied.

Could I endure all that? Could I completely change the life I had lived and the values I had established? I couldn't decide so easily. To change my trait was to change my entire life; it was impossible not to be afraid.

“Why can’t you understand how I feel…”

Unable to hold back my surging emotions, I put down my utensils. Tears welled in my eyes, blurring my vision. What if I start crying pathetically? I didn’t want that, so I decided to leave. I murmured an apology and stood up from my seat.

I’ll go to my room and wash my face. I need to calm these turbulent feelings for a moment. Han Jinheon was a cold person, yes, but he had a sliver of compassion; he wouldn't normally say something like that. It must have been a slip of the tongue because he didn’t want to lose the argument. Yes, it was a mistake.

Not wanting to let the tears fall, I thought whatever I pleased as I quickly climbed the stairs. I was right in front of my door when my wrist was caught in a firm grip. Overwhelmed once again by his warmth, I bit down on my lower lip and turned. I kept my head down, my gaze fixed on my captured wrist, trying to avoid looking at him.

But in the next moment, I had no choice but to lift my head and look at Han Jinheon.

“Hyung will take responsibility. I will take responsibility for you until the end.”

The Han Jinheon I looked up at was different from a moment ago. He had shed the weary face he’d worn and was now facing me with a profoundly serious expression.

He’ll take responsibility. Until the end. My heart, captured by his words that could be either a wound or a thrill, began to pound with an immeasurable meaning.

“I’m sorry for not having considered the anxieties you have.”

“……”

“But I can promise you that you’ll be able to live a happier life. You don’t have to have kids. You don’t have to be imprinted. Even so, you will live more happily than you do now. Because Hyung will make it so.”

His low voice was full of confidence, and tears finally spilled from my eyes. I ducked my head to hide from a startled Han Jinheon. With my free hand, I roughly wiped at my tear-streaked eyelids and mumbled.

“I’m grateful for your sentiment, Hyung, but…”

It’s not something that can be solved just because you’re confident. Not every Alpha in the world is like you. And it can never be you.

My heart was still pounding, but a sharp pain was spreading around it, and I understood. This wasn’t an immeasurable feeling, but two emotions that had arrived at the same time. It was the wound of knowing he could never be mine, and the thrill of wanting to be his.

The Alpha I could never have, even if I became an Omega, wanted me to become an Omega. I knew that even if I leaned on those words, the future would be empty. 

He could easily promise that my life would be better if I became an Omega, but he wouldn’t be there to share that future with me. Of course, he wouldn’t be by my side.

Just as I was supposed to have an Alpha by my side, he would have another Omega by his. Just because Cha Seonmin was out of the picture didn’t mean it was the end. 

He would someday meet another Omega, and if that happened, he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise to take responsibility for me until the end. This was simply a matter of his stubbornness. He was easy to persuade, but his will was also strong.

I looked down at the hand that held my wrist without hurting me.

‘If you can’t believe anything else, just remember this hand. Believe in the warmth this hand gives you.’

Can I believe it? Is it really okay to believe it?

Because I like him, I want to believe. But what if I get hurt even more by this warmth?

The warmth wasn't confined to my hand, it spread beneath my eyes. Han Jinheon cupped my face with both hands, then gently wiped away my tears with hands that seemed to be trying to be delicate. He must have realized that tears kept flowing.

Don’t do this. You should have just let me cry alone, assuming I was hurt by what you said from the start.

My sulking was brief. Composing myself and wiping away my tears, I quietly said,

"Alright. If that’s how you feel, Hyung, I’ll think about it again.”

“……”

“I’ll give you my answer after I go on this last blind date. Who knows? He might be someone who likes me even like this…”

Han Jinheon withdrew his hands from my face, and the warmth vanished. Feeling a slight sense of loss, I lowered my head, then carefully met his eyes. Unlike me, who was trembling nonstop, Han Jinheon was motionless. He didn’t show the slightest movement.

“I’ll think about it very seriously, so whatever my answer is… don’t say anything more about it.”

Han Jinheon didn’t reply. He didn’t even nod. What was he thinking, what was he feeling? I couldn't possibly read him, yet he was looking only at me.

At this rate, it felt like he would read my own thoughts and feelings. I forced my lips into a smile. Only after seeing my clumsy attempt did Han Jinheon respond.

“I’m sorry for hurting you earlier.”

I closed my eyes as his hand gently stroked my hair. So you do know. I let out a small, grumbling sound and docilely offered my head, as if accepting his apology.

***

Han Jinheon recalled the events of the previous day. He hadn’t known Han Sol would cry just because he was hurt by his words, so the tears had been quite unexpected. 

Perhaps it was an unavoidable Korean trait, but it was said even dogs shouldn't be bothered while eating, and he had made someone cry during a meal, making him even more uncomfortable.

Han Sol was the type who, if you hurt him with a 1, would pay you back with a 5, and if you threw a 6, would return a 10. Because of everything he’d done in the past, he himself had come on too strong without realizing it, but he had never expected Han Sol to retreat with a wounded expression.

Even if Han Sol was humbled and reflecting, he expected him to at least hurl insults, not well up with tears. His heart sank as if he had been punched. It was not a pleasant experience.

"Hyung will take responsibility. I will take responsibility for you until the end.’

Thinking 'This isn't right,' he had followed him in a rush, but the words hadn't been spoken in the heat of the moment. He was more confident than anyone that Han Sol could live a better life if he became an Omega. And yet, Han Sol’s words kept circling in his mind, confusing him.

‘Someone could gladly accept me even as I am now. Isn’t that what real love is?’

It was both an obvious truth and an absurd fantasy. It would feel like real love if someone loved you for who you are, but right now, there was no one who would accept the current Han Sol.

That’s what he thought, but less than a day after Han Sol’s words had been planted in his mind, they were beginning to shake his own convictions. 

Shouldn’t I wait for someone who will love the current Han Sol to appear? And if, after waiting and waiting, no such person appears, wouldn’t it be okay then to insist that I was right all along?

He had this thought throughout breakfast. Which meant that Han Jinheon hadn't taken his eyes off Han Sol the entire meal. Unable to ignore the stare any longer, Han Sol narrowed his swollen eyes and grumbled.

"You’re staring… because my eyes are swollen.”

“It’s fascinating. How much did you cry for them to get that puffy?”

“I didn’t know either. That they would swell up like this from just a few teardrops…”

A chuckle escaped him automatically at the sight of Han Sol eating diligently while covering his eyes with both hands, muttering about how he could die of embarrassment. 

How could he not know his own eyes swell up easily? Then again, he conceded, with Han Sol, it was possible. He wasn't one to cry often, after all.

Right. He wasn't one to cry often…

"Yesterday, you said you would think about it until after your blind date.”

“…Yeah, I did.”

“It’s okay if it takes longer, so don’t feel burdened and think it over comfortably.”

“…Why? Now that you think about it, are you afraid you won’t be able to take responsibility?”

“I will take responsibility. That thought hasn’t changed.”

“……”

“I’m telling you to follow your heart. That’s what I want for you.”

“Follow my heart?”

The face that quietly repeated his words turned noticeably red. Han Sol’s skin was so naturally pale that any flush of color was immediately obvious.

What reason is there to blush just because I told you to follow your heart? Thinking it was trivial, Han Jinheon let it go, gathering his own empty plate and Han Sol’s to clear them away. Before heading up to his room, he glanced at Han Sol and shook his head.

What on earth could he be thinking to make those puffy eyes curve into a smile? He felt a pang of regret for telling him to follow his heart, but a faint smile played on his own lips as well. It was absurdly cute. Han Jinheon controlled his expression and started up the stairs.​

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